ABOVE THE MEDIAN: PARTNERHOOD

Tips and tricks for how to have a successful partnership as a career woman

Aug 18, 2023

INTRODUCTION

Hi all! I treated myself to a true summer vacation for Above The Median and took June and July off from publishing. I know you all have missed learning so we are back at it from a mini hiatus! This newsletter’s focus is on YOU + YOUR PARTNER. We have learned that to be successful in business you must have a top 1% work ethic, know your stuff, and be great at relationship-building. It’s one thing to build your professional network, it’s another to pick your personal partner. Picking your life partner is one of the most important things a businesswoman can do. We fundamentally hold more of the burden to bear children (hello boobs and uterus) and societally are still expected to raise children. You can look at the stats of Fortune 500 parental leave policies to see how gender inequality remains constant. It is HARD to have a boss job, be a romantic partner, and potentially a mom. Therefore, picking the right partner (both at work AND at home) can have exponential consequences. This month we learn from three absolute powerhouses: Kate Shillo Beardsley, Janet Lamkin, and Abby Adlerman.

ABOVE THE MEDIAN SPOTLIGHT:

Meet Kate Shillo Beardsley: she can needlepoint, is the mother of two children, can dribble a basketball better than all of us combined, and can speed-dial Martha Stewart. And the most impressive part? She is the managing partner and founder of a $50M venture capital fund called Hannah Grey.

10 years ago, Kate had a dream to run her own venture firm. Fast forward to 2021, she realized that dream by co-founding, Hannah Grey, an early-stage VC firm named after her and her partner-in-crime, Jessica Peltz's, eldest daughters. Kate loves her job and describes venture capital as satisfying both her “right and left brain.”

Dive into Kate’s resume, and you’ll see that it is loaded with a range of dynamic experiences. From working with Martha Stewart for years (hence the Martha comment earlier) to launching Lerer Hippeau, the notable early-stage NYC-based firm that invested in companies such as Casper, Buzzfeed, and Namely, Kate is truly a "jane of all trades."

When asked what Kate's secret sauce is to her success, her answer is that she surrounds herself with top-tier people. "Everything we do is about who we decide to partner with," says Kate. Here are two of her tactics for forging winning partnerships.

Tactic #1: Play the Values Game Right

Kate believes that most relationships fail when there are misaligned values. “Be brutally honest, transparent, and honor your values and your team member or partner’s values.” When you are considering a new partnership (professional or romantic), Kate recommends listing out your fundamental values. "What values are high on your list? What are qualities in people that you viscerally oppose? Be clear on this. It will impact the success of your relationship," says Kate.

Tactic #2: Self-Awareness & No Hasty 'I Dos'

When it comes to picking your partner (business or romantic), it is a huge decision. Especially for career women. One of Kate's biggest pieces of advice is to not rush. Romantically speaking, while many of her friends got married in their 20s, Kate got married a bit later. She believes that this patience benefited her. (*Note: If you meet your soulmate no matter what age you are, we are all supportive of that!) Kate had built a name for herself in the industry and was confident and clear on who she was as a person by the time she met the love of her life. It's served her well as she now lives in Colorado with her family and is thriving both professionally and personally. The famous saying remains to run true through all elements of our lives, "patience is a virtue."

Note: The "I do" metaphor can be extrapolated to finding a co-founder or a romantic partner so please consider this tactic across all areas of your life.

ABOVE THE MEDIAN SPOTLIGHT:

Janet Lamkin is a pro when it comes to navigating huge roles in the most turbulent times. She was at United during covid and Bank of America during the 2008 banking crisis. She helped two Fortune 500 companies survive historically their lowest lows. Janet also showed her ability to completely pivot to polar opposite industries where the overlapping language is minor. Speaking from experience, most of my friends that do fintech investing have no clue what an ADS-B out or an aileron is while most of my transportation investing friends probably couldn’t describe how put/call futures work. Janet can do both.

When asked what three things she is most proud of, Janet answers in the following order, “1. I married my high school sweetheart and we are still happily married. 2. Graduate school program that I did on rotary scholarship in Australia and 3. An ability to stay positive through all of life’s challenges.” Her #1 answer demonstrates that Janet has successfully managed a romantic partnership and a big career. So what secrets does Janet have that we can try to learn from and implement ourselves? I’ll divulge :)

Tactic #1: Take Turns To Support One Another

There were two times in Janet’s life when she and her husband, Bill Lamkin, had to live in different cities. Most long-distance relationships fail. Janet and Bill’s worked because they were on the same page about supporting one another. “There is something to be said for taking turns,” says Janet. At the beginning of their relationship, Janet’s husband was more intense while he was in Investment Banking. However, when Janet took over as California President of Bank of America the intensity swapped. Janet’s role picked up steam and Bill supported her.

Tactic #2: Carve Out Time To Be Present

This tactic is relatively straight forward but many people ignore the concept until it is too late to salvage. Being present with your partner is important. “Don’t be wrapped up in work 24/7. You can but your relationship will suffer,” says Janet. Find a system that works for you and your partner.

ABOVE THE MEDIAN SPOTLIGHT:

As a young girl, after a good ole’ trick-or-treat Halloween adventure, Abby Adlerman would get home and meticulously lay out her candy. She planned exactly how to ration the peanut M&M's, Snickers, and Smarties over a 12-month period. Her organizational and analytical skills stuck with her throughout her life, becoming a maestro in both investment banking (Managing Director at Hambrecht & Quist) and executive search (Managing Director/Head of Private Equity at Russell Reynolds.) Most notably, in 2014, Abby became her own CEO and founded Boardspan, the leading provider of digital governance solutions for boards across all sectors advising the likes of KKR, Boston Beer, Ingersoll Rand, Twitter, the US Olympic & Paralympic Committee, and many more.

Beyond the paper accolades, Abby is one of the most authentic people you could meet. She has strong morals, sticks to her values, works incredibly hard, and emphatically loves her family. One of the aspects of Abby’s life that she is most proud of is her marriage. She is going to Africa this week to celebrate her 25th anniversary with her hubbie! When asked what her secrets are, she jokes, “I’m not smart enough to know if people find love or if love finds people - I’ve only done it once.” However, there are strategies Abby has subconsciously or consciously acted on to unlock a successful romantic partnership.

Like other women interviewed, Abby got married a little bit later in her life. She felt like she knew holistically who she was and holistically who her partner was. Abby attributes a lot of her relationship success to this. “We both knew what we were getting at that point in our lives,” says Abby. When asked for ways to have a successful partnership with two career-minded individuals, Abby had some fantastic pieces of tactical advice…

Tactic #1: Staff up!

Abby was a Partner at H&Q and 35. When Abby got married, she and her husband acknowledged that there was no indication that Abby was getting off her career track any time soon, if ever. They also both wanted kids. It could have been a pickle for some. They knew they needed external support to try to successfully raise children and run companies at the same time. “We thought, ‘How quickly can you spell nanny?’ ” says Abby.

In all sincerity, there are many decisions to be made about getting additional help. However, the bottom line is that, IF you chose to have kids, a romantic relationship, and a healthy career, you most likely will need more help. And THAT'S OK. When you think about what kind of extra help you want, there are many questions to evaluate such as…Do you live close to relatives? Do you use a live-in au pair? Do you have a professional nanny? “They are important decisions,” says Abby, “And it’s important that you and your partner are aligned.”

Tactic #2: Pick your battles and try to invoke your inner clarity

Another question we always hear is, how do you handle stressful arguments with your partner on big life decisions? As you are growing in your career, you are also trying to build a life with another person. Abby’s recommendation is to try and make your personal-business decisions feel like business-business decisions. You should have intimacy, romance, and date nights. But when it comes to questions around the cost of education if considering private school, where to live, how and when to travel, etc. “Try to bring real clarity to what is influencing your thinking,” says Abby. “Anything you can make unemotional and practical, do it.” It will make it easier to get to a decision.

Abby also advises that as partners, you should try to pick your spots. There will always be things that you see a little differently. Similar to work situations, “If you disagree with each other, disagree when it's important not when it's unimportant. If you really don't care, don't care.” Sometimes we dig in on issues just for the sake of being right. Trite but true: don't try to win the battle, only to lose the war.

CONCLUSION:

If you take anything away from this newsletter, it would be to, first, take your time finding Mr or Ms Right - you do not need to rush. And second, communicate when it’s really important (know your values) and compromise when it’s not.

Whether you are founding a company, a business unit, or a family, I hope that these learnings help set you up for success in your next chapter.